Why I wish I’d never started my blog 

There are some things that, once you start, you can never stop. Like that car finance deal I signed up to which means I will be buying cars from the same garage for my entire life, or that one tattoo that led to two which I know will lead to three or four, or crystal meth, or blogging.

That’s right. I just compared blogging to being a crystal meth addict. I guess based on that it’s safe to say me and my blog are in a bit of a weird place at the moment.

When I started this blog, I was bored. I was bored and frustrated on a Saturday afternoon and I thought ‘blogging sounds fun, let’s give that a shot’. It was fun for a week or so, but then I thought it was a bit cringe and should probably stop writing it… but by then it was already too late. It was out there. People had seen it. How and why I hadn’t contemplated this sooner I’ll never know. People had seen it, and people could and would continue to see it. And not the people you want to see it, but people like that girl who hated you in high school who Googles you twenty years later and then laughs with all her mates that you’re still a nerd, or the trendy colleague at work who was just looking for your LinkedIn profile but has somehow found a play-by-play of your anxiety meltdown in 2009, or the person who knows you through a friend and wonders why you share photos of a walk down the canal like you think your David Attenborough. These people are seeing it.

And you can never go back from that. That tiny moment when you were bored and frustrated has led to a world of entrapment because you hit publish and now it’s live and there’s nothing you can do because, THE INTERNET.

I can’t delete my blog. Sure, I can stop writing it and delete the account but those published posts are still out there, so I guess if I can’t delete it then all I can do is improve it. All I can do is hope that by adding to it and reviewing it, I’m somehow making it better. And you know what? I think I am. This may not be the best thing you’ve ever read but trust me, it’s better than what I was saying three years ago. I know because I’ve reread those early posts and died inside, so you can trust me.

Oh but don’t worry, the irony is not lost on me. I know in three years time these are the posts I’ll be cringing about whilst I think the 2020 me is a genius. I know that, but  I’m stuck in the bloggersphere and I can’t get out.

step-to-recovery

You’ll be delighted to know it’s not all anxiety and regret. In fact, if your new year’s resolution was to start a blog and I’ve just destroyed your dreams, you should know that it’s also one of the most wonderful things There are the comments from strangers who thank you for your strength and humour, the tweets from regular readers who are becoming friends, the private messages asking for advice and feedback, and the brands and companies who want to work with you because you speak their language. All of these things, all of you who engage with me every day, you are the people who make me grateful I hit publish that day. Grateful that I took a chance, didn’t over-think it and had the nerve to say what I wanted to say. You’re the people I blog for.

But on occasion, after a long week when I’m tired and weary and a little anxious, I stare at this blog and I’ve got to ask myself: what the hell was I thinking?

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17 comments

  1. About those friends from 20 years ago that weren’t really your friend but look you up now… I always wonder what makes them do that… I guess you can guess I never go to High School Reunions… Keep blogging and making new friends.

  2. Haha!

    the people who weren’t your friends and who might be reading your blog now are completely irrelevant. They weren’t your friends for a reason and if they’re stalking your life that closely then they don’t have much of a life themselves.

    I find blog motivation interesting. I’ve had a few, none heavily read, but I find having an audience means I am more likely to actually write anything and the process of writing is one that is soothing and helps me understand my thoughts and myself better. I think at the end of the day, a blog should really be about you and what you get from it.

    1. The reasons you give are exactly the same as mine. Writing is therapeutic and my blog fundamentally exists to help me live with chronic pain. Must remember that when I’m freaking out that my life is online! Thank you!

  3. I can totally relate to this. I actually managed to keep my blog a secret from those closest to me for a long time. Then, cos it’s on the internets obv, people came across it. But i somehow never thought that would happen.

    First my mum found it and cried at one of my posts, then I would randomly see a post had gone viral on Facebook and a friend had liked it *cue mad panic and insane anxiety*… I still panic when someone I know follows me on social media haha. My husband is always like, what do you expect?! You’re on the internet. But still, i prefer to think that random strangers are reading than people who actually know me.

    I kind of have to try and block it out but I do worry I’ve almost started to censor myself because I overthink everything now. And I almost cocked up by writing all about my Lyme diagnosis and everything that went with that before actually telling some people. I realised finding out via my blog probably wouldn’t be the best way!!

    But like you say, it’s something you can’t stop! 🙂

    Oh and random fact about my blog– I have a bigger following from the US than the UK, which stems from the fact I’d happily promote it to people in the US but was too scared to do the same for the UK due to the fear of people finding out haha!

    I really need to get over it I think!

    1. I am *exactly* the same. I have never ever put anything about my blog on my personal Facebook page and never mention it to friends unless someone else brings it up. Whenever one of my friends likes my blog Facebook page I know it’s going to come up in other’s feeds and panic slightly! I write for strangers and really struggle with the whole ‘oh wait, my parents are reading this’ side of things. Oh, and my dad actually read an extract of my blog at my wedding, so you can imagine how that felt. (Cue heart attack.)

      We definitely need to try and get passed it, because it makes no sense to do that things that make our lives more difficult. Plus, we’re doing well and there are such highs from it, so we really must focus on that.

      Have I convinced you? No, me either! 🙂

  4. I laughed and cringed at this- so true! I was just looking at some of my posts from an old blog I’ve yet to fully purge and they were laughably embarrassing. More than printed publishing, blogging is DEFINITELY a medium of growth and change. I guess we have to embrace it.

  5. What the hell were you thinking???
    You were thinking of us.
    Thank you

    Barb, 71, active as possible NightOwl from Kansas, lived all over the South, now in Texas. 1 dog, 2 cats, organic yard & garden, solitary RV camper with COPD, fibro, apnea and general fatigue from chemo in ’88. But I lived!

  6. Hey, I appreciate your blog and I thank you for starting it. I look forward to new updates. It’s been hard to find someone else with fibro who continues to live, with humor, despite their pain. Too many bloggers with fibro are downers. Hey, I don’t need anyone else bringing me down, I can do it myself! Keep up the great work. And, if you don’t feel like it now and then, it’s okay too.

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