Little boy lost

I know I’m not a boy, but this is basically where I’m at. I’ve started approximately 43 blog posts in the last few months and nothing has seemed quite right. Remember the days when they used to roll off the tongue? No, me either, but I’m sure they weren’t this hard. In the last couple of months I’ve toyed with writing about almost everything I can possibly think of and the juices just aint flowing, so today I’ve sat down with a cuppa and a biscuit and decided I’m just going to write. I’m still not sure what I’m going to write about but hey, let’s see where it goes…

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I’m in the process of evaluating my entire life at the moment, and that’s pretty time consuming.  A friend of mine recently told me that if everything was perfect, we’d be bored. So true. So why are we so focused on the things that aren’t quite right? 

Three of my good friends have recently got engaged, all in three very different ways to three very different guys and they’re all planning three very different weddings. I’m so excited for them, and so excited to be a part of their big day. However, it inevitably makes me think about my own relationship; a friend of mine once said to me when we were in our early twenties, “I couldn’t get married now, I’d feel like a child in fancy dress.” I still feel that way and I’m almost thirty. Do you ever feel ready for something like that? Alongside the betrothal boom, everyone I know seems to be in baby-mode at the moment; three of my friends have been trying to get pregnant for several years, and it’s heartbreaking to see them waiting and waiting, whilst two other friends are pregnant and more are starting to consider it. With all of this in mind, I feel like a bit of an odd ball. If you’re a regular reader of my blog you’ll know I don’t want to have children – or at least, I currently don’t want children (though that doesn’t mean I’m not bouncing off the walls with happiness for those that do). I also don’t think marriage is on the cards, and if it is I suspect it will be in many years in a tiny little civil ceremony when I’m verging on old and wrinkly. So whilst all my friends are planning for a life I don’t really want, I’m starting to ask myself: what am I planning for? I’m certainly not short of plans, and I won’t tell you them all otherwise it won’t be a surprise for you when they all come true! For now I will say that I’m lucky that my better half and I are in agreement when it comes to the things we want most in life and we’re getting pretty excited about our plans – even if other people think they seem a bit…pointless. I’m really excited at the thought of our family of two, a hideaway home, delicious food, and the opportunity for breaks away. Obviously there are many other things I dream of, personal ambitions that I hope to achieve but health – mental and physical – is vital to us both and I think we may just have the magic formula. 

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Separately to the rather broad questions of life, comes the slightly more realistic question of how to afford life – otherwise known as ‘work’. I currently spend part of my days offering careers advice to young people and today someone aged 16 said to me, “I just don’t know what to do with my life.” I replied with, “Me neither.” I don’t really know what else to say on that.
My cats are bouncing off the wall right now. Literally. They’re trapped inside whilst they get used to their new life, and fight approximately 80% of the day. It’s ridiculous. I don’t know why you would be interested in my cats but I’ve written about them now and as Hemingway has instructed, I am bleeding.
Me and my camera are a bit estranged at the moment, so I’m hoping to get out and about soon to rekindle our relationship. Unfortunately, as is always the case with this bloody illness, the more pain I am in the less I want to go out, which inevitably leads to feeling slightly more angry/depressed about the pain, and by that point the relationship with my camera isn’t the only one that’s affected. I plan on trying harder to keep a number of things going strong during this flare-up; exercising, socialising and blogging.
Watch this space.
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